Friday, May 25, 2018

More About the Elephant in the Room - If the kids are happy you will be happy.

Yeah You Have a Tone Deaf Voice!  Sing 2 Your Kids anyway! 

During the past several weeks I started a conversation addressing The Elephant in the Room and the adolescent and children as they affect relationships.  I have been providing couples counseling (or marriage and family therapy) in the Los Angeles area for the past several years.  What I have realized during this time is that couples are genuinely unaware ...

of the elephant in the room.  The concept of this elephant is that people know of the obvious but choose to ignore it no matter how big the tusks.  However, with one’s children, more often than not, there is not a denial so much as a complete unaware. The true insight into a happy relationship, or marriage, within a nuclear family, which includes children, is to make the children happy within the walls of healthy structured boundaries, which includes an emphasis in a loving framework.  If a couple is not providing this happiness they need to recognize effective ways to provide happiness to their children in order for the marriage to thrive.

Thus, as a counselor it becomes my job to investigate or intuitively identify if one’s children are causing communicative challenges or other discords within the nuclear family.  If I am working as an analyst I have the luxury of time to slowly allow for the child to organically or psychically appear in the room. But, couple’s work often does not provide for deep analytic work.  I recognize that the best services I have provided couples is analytical, or long term reflective analysis. Yet, many couples have a solution focused mindset. Therefore, I am placed in a precarious situation because I cannot say “Your offspring is the problem with your marriage, send him to grandpa in Ohio for three months and let him work the farm … and then he will do his chores and be appreciative of you… and maybe you are just enabling and spoiling him!”  I say this and the client is gone the next week. Additionally, speaking non-clinically, to say this to a couple is just mean spirited without having an established positive relationship which allows for such candor.

The elephant, the wedge, or the cock blocker as previously mentioned in earlier discussion, must be identified.  If not, couples can leave therapy without meaningful progress because they might have only learned to not argue about toothpaste-cap-on-toothpaste-cap-off. Furthermore, they have not addressed the ongoing undercurrent of the kid that is splitting the couple into ongoing tension and arguments.

So, to make a happy home and happy relationship one must look at the elephant and acknowledge it.  Make the symbolic elephant (the child) happy and an important part of your kingdom. One of the easiest and fun tasks in reaching happiness with your child according to 5 Scientifically Proven Ways To Raise Happier Kids is to sing to them.  The article introduces studies from the University of Montreal and Stanford University which moves from the ideology of music therapy, but discusses the maternal sound and its relationship to connection and engagement.  Moreover, if there is an opportunity to sing to your child early - no matter how chalkboard screeching your voice - you are creating a bond and a gateway to positive social connectedness, educational and emotional well being.  Therefore, sing to your children for connections and build connections for their happiness, and create your happiness for your spousal success.

This connection to music as a family connector in adolescence is perhaps another discussion. As this could create positive rituals and spiritual connectedness. For now; however, sing those lullabies now matter how horrible you sound!

Photo by Yeshi Kangrang on Unsplash
Photo by Larm Rmah on Unsplash
Photo by Jonas Kakaroto on Unsplash

Read more about Dr. Strayhorn's practice and philosophy...

1 comment:

  1. the happiness of parents depends on the happiness of there children, but some time it is not essay to find that why the kids are actually sad, on that time we need to find child therapist, who identify the actual problem, parents also need to know that when child therapy is beneficial for there kids.